My Ideal Relationship (another jdate essay)

Since I've recently graduated from JDate back to nerve - and I can't believe I was on JDate for so long, bunch of Jew-freak chosen-sperm shoppers - I thought I'd post here my JDate profile's "My Ideal Relationship" essay, because I like it and it captures something I don't want to forget:

We're hot stuff. We light up a room. Frequent laughing and disappearing into closets together. The world is our Christopher Guest movie. It feels great just to hold hands. We can have a good time in a ditch. We say what's on our minds and we feel no impulse to control each other. We're primal in the sack. We inspire others. When I'm at a party, I'm glad I'm with you.

Might as well finish it off too - this is my essay for "What I'm Looking For":

Surprise me. I prefer pussycats to panthers, at least on the inside. Must enjoy kissing, cuddling, learning, reading, dancing, teasing, brainstorming the ridiculous and generally rolling around like koala bears together.

All true. I think I used that second essay on my nerve profile too. I like my new nerve profile, I'll post that here some time. It's very honest and playful. I think I'd really miss online dating if I actually started dating someone. It's like a hobby at this point, not something with a goal. Have I become a professional dater? Amateur anyway. I enjoy writing the profiles, writing the emails, hotlisting, being hotlisted, the possibilities each new person holds, the fantasy version of them I create in my head as I read their profile, even as we exchange emails. Online dating is largely narcissistic, because so much of it is fantasy. Even when you've exchanged a hundred emails with someone, they are never who you have in your head. Even IM - I've clicked really well with people over IM, had a great time teasing and playing, and then met them and couldn't breathe. And no matter how many women I meet, the next one could always be the one I fall in love with, every time. Maybe I just don't want to let go of the dream for reality, because the dream is... is it better?

If a pill existed that made women orgasm as easily as men from intercourse, human behavior would change so radically that civilization would be unrecognizable. Crime, depression, pornography, prostitution, drugs, misogyny, war, racism, domestic violence, violence in general - all gone by day three. This pill would so radically change human behavior that it would even inflect human evolution. Not necessarily in a good way - the collective intelligence and creative spirit of the world would decrease over time, and this is why women have this problem in the first place from an evolutionary standpoint: it forced the cavemen to develop enough intelligence and creativity to get the ladies back to their apartments. Modern woman is the result of a species that survived an evolutionary crisis: an upright posture combined with a bigger brain. The former requires a smaller female pelvis to keep everything inside when she stands up, the latter a larger female pelvis to give birth to the baby's head. Bit of a bottleneck. So some lucky woman had a genetic mutation that let her survive: it gave her the capacity for incredible orgasms (most other species' females don't orgasm at all) but made these orgasms much more difficult than for her male counterparts (from intercourse anyway - all things considered I'd argue it's much easier for women to orgasm than men). This difficulty made her much less willing to risk sex, which could kill her from the childbirth, and therefore made her sexually attracted to far fewer men than her mother had been, and far less readily. This has had mixed results, producing on the one side the Republican party, but on the other Cary Grant. Since I'd say we have childbirth well under control at this point, it's time to let this uniquely female trait go the wayside. It was a brilliant emergency solution to a huge evolutionary problem, and I commend everyone who kept their spirits up throughout this crisis, and also for all the art, literature, mathematics, science and hilarity you produced in the meantime, but I think we'd do just fine at this point if women just started having more orgasms. The time has come for mankind's final challenge: to identify and eradicate the easy-orgasm/total-slut gene in the female genome, a vestige from a time when our brains were huge but we were still waiting for someone to graduate from medical school.